10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socialising with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:

1) Do Not Marry Potential:

Often times men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry:

While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.

Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?

Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.

Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.

3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner:

Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well.

As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans:

In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”

The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:

Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.

Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection:

There are four questions that you must answer YES to:

Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:

Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

8) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:

Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility:

It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:

Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:

Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.

Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

Additional Points to Consider:

The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.

Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc.

Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.

Be flexible. Be open-minded!
Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.

Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.

————

by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi

The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

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22 Responses to “10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person”


  1. 1 u-jay January 19, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Nice write up. Made much sense to me

  2. 2 Fasugba Bilqees January 19, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    I quickly want to take u back to where you talked about getting to know your partner better by getting close to him/her before saying I do. Do you realised that there are some people no matter how close you’re to them, you don’t get to know their character it’s only God that can help in that aspect, though It’s a very nice and intelligent write up. It’s very useful and I like it. Keep up the good job, I really expect more of this. Thanks.

    • 3 Dan August 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm

      I agree wit u. U can neva know d true character of your partner until afta marriage. D only way out is to follow d teachings of d Holy prophet Muhammad (SAW) in choosing a partner

  3. 4 Dada Olamiji January 19, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Good work, keep it up.

  4. 5 segalistic sega January 20, 2012 at 1:02 am

    This is in fact, a very straight to the point facts, indisputable ‎​and appealing. It is a very good work, well researched ‎​and embodies in it what every single man or woman needs to know. ‎​and if applied ‎​and by Gods grace the couple will be. Heading toward a very successful ‎​and blissful union no doubt.

  5. 6 Abdul January 20, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Brilliant…..my answer to most of the questions raised in this write up is ‘i dontknow/Not sure’….I’m def givin my nikaah dis year a second thought! Jazaks for this eye-openin article

  6. 7 Ajibola January 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    You have done a wonderful job in this write up but there are some certain area not full expatiate. ln term of sexual life most house are in disarray due to ds issue. May God continue to bless you.

  7. 8 Ddeen January 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Sahih points,even those who are married can still find some areas in filling up some of their lapses..hence,couples should always make sure salaf_scholars are being carried along especially before nikkah to overcome critical issues and certain ways that are beyond the readers scope…

  8. 9 Sulaiman January 21, 2012 at 7:20 am

    I find this article really educating and informative. Kudos!

  9. 10 abdulazeez January 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

    This is an outstanding article to be read, we really have to open up our heart and be frank when taking decisions on marriage-love is not blind, only the people in it pretend to be.

    May Allah stay with us and guide us to the right path always.

  10. 11 Gift Nwadinma January 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

    What an encouraging piece! Keep it up. If singles will stop feeling like married people, it will help them make the right choice. How? Courtship is the opportunity for intending couple to study each other. Rather than understanding this fact, they will start living together sharing something that is suppose to be a marriage pride. if the girl become pregnant on the long run, you’ll have no option than to start the marriage at once even though d man have seen something that he can’t cope with, there is noting he can do again than to manage and believe to change her with time.

  11. 12 Ismaila Mohammed Bashir January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Yazakal’lahu khairan.

  12. 13 Ernanzy January 23, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    JazakALLAH

  13. 14 Olaide sariyu omosalewa egbeyemi January 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    The truth is to pray about everything you want to lay your hands on in order to be happy at the end of everything.

  14. 15 Umar M.Chinade January 27, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Jazakhallahu khairan!this is indeed a Sadaqatul jariat,keep it up.May Allah reward you Amin!

  15. 16 Ayanlowo ahmed February 15, 2012 at 4:36 am

    May Allah continue 2 assist u jazakumulahu kairan

  16. 17 atoyebi eniola March 9, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    Jazakallau khairan,infact dis is an interesting write up which can be of help for young men and women,may allah reward u and increase ur knowledge.

  17. 18 Mojeedah bint abdulmojeed June 2, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Nice write up…may Allah reward you abundantly…keep d good work going

  18. 19 sammie June 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Nice piece every young person should read….

  19. 20 Maryam Mohammed Keffi June 14, 2012 at 2:36 am

    Subhanallah.
    It’s like seeing oneself in a mirror. May Allah in His Infinate Mercy makes it easy for us to follow these advice as guidelines in courtship and marriage ameen.
    Jazakallah Khair

  20. 21 Kehinde June 14, 2012 at 10:11 am

    It make’s many senses. Jazakalahu haira

  21. 22 adeyemi waliyat June 15, 2012 at 7:41 am

    infact ds a well done write up in whch av learn alot alot dere. Sm of ds fact make me realise dt my relationshp cant work. …… Jazakunmullah khaeran


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